Number one, I still think about you.
Two, the day we ended, I automatically picked up my phone to tell you what a shitty day I had had, only to realise that you weren’t there to listen anymore.
Three, when I found out about you cheating, I wondered whether I had magically stopped understanding what words mean, because it made more sense for me to forget a language I’ve spoken all my life than for you to hurt me this way.
Four, every time the thought of you touching her crossed my mind, my knees turned to this weird imaginary jelly and i wanted to puke out the very same jelly but there was no jelly to puke, just this nauseating disgust deep inside of me which I just couldn't seem to get rid of.
Five, I came across a letter in which you told me that I never deserved to be treated in a shitty way, like the guys I dated before you, and you promised to never hurt me. I wonder where along the line you forgot about that.
Six, leaving you was hard. It took me three cigarettes and one and a half pints of beer to finally get the courage to text you. I was afraid your voice would be able to convince me to stay.
So people think about how unproductive their year has been, or how shitty it was. They think about every heartbreak and failure, about the regrets and what they could have achieved. What they should have achieved, be it finding true love, getting that job, maybe learning the guitar or whatever new year resolution they made, which they decided not to follow through. December is when the sip of missed opportunities from every month, starts to pound in your head, and that trip is not a pleasant one. This year does carry with it a lot of shitty memories, but all I want to remember now are the pleasant ones.
I got a beautiful tattoo, I got my nose pierced, I bought a lot of makeup which still makes me incredibly happy.I fell in love, and i fell out of love. I travelled to so many places without my family, without even telling them. I made spontaneous and reckless plans, and didn’t regret any of them. I got my grades up, and got them down again. I got my weight down, and go it up again. I got my drinking down, although can’t really say that about my smoking. I went through three different phones this year, funny enough the ones which broke were both iphones and now I’m finally on android. I said “I love you” and I meant it. Any time I was hurt, i didn’t drink it away, i felt every bit of it. I fell in love with Chennai, a city I used to despise going to. I fell in love with romanticising everything which happened to me. I fell out of love with the same, and yet I still romanticise every memory. I started my year in a resort in Vietnam, a little high on vodka and love, and I’ll be ending it somewhere in Egypt. Hopefully a little drunk. Hopefully a little happy.
2017 has been pretty fucking amazing and all i can hope for, is that 2018 be just as good, if not better.
What did a fishmonger, paleontologist, funeral director, data scientist, expeditionist, former Olympic gold medalist and a muralist all have in common? Not. A. Fuckin'. Thing. But for one eternal night they would become tighter than a minnow's asshole and for those that survived, the story they told would be as unbelievable as the Old Testament - yet ten times as enlightening. Sometimes you move the night but most times the night moves you - A.Flo
I found peace in my own turmoil when no longer I resisted the matters that messed me so much.
I did let them in.
I did let them ruin my state of mind as longer as they want.
Throughout this process I analysed the roots of such delusional states.
To my surprise more than half of such meaningless conflicts in my mind were mere a futile volatile matter.
These were the thoughts that deserves the least of my botherations.
Acceptance helped me win over my own mental conflicts.
They never bothered me again.
There are so many situations when we resist to accept something unacceptable for us. We fight with it and with us. We inflict so much of pain in us that disturbs our territories.
This is like banging head into a wall that ultimately leads to our own damage.
Acceptance is a gesture that takes nothing while said and takes all when practised. In a matter of seconds all the hallucinations you were so much engrossed in, the fears and the second thoughts disappear.
My latest writing for #embracingslow has just been published over on my website.
Linked in my bio, @em.hazeldean and I have been writing each week in the lead up to Easter.
Today’s post Discovering Vinyl Under The Rubble.