**WARNING** For some, this will be hard to hear, especially if you aren’t a fan of raw truth. This is an excerpt from my book of an interview with my husband, Phillip, about the effect our fight for my life had on him. Before you read this I have a spoiler alert***.... We win! I’m alive and doing very well and we are stronger than ever!🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 Here goes 🙈...”This is an honest man, a brave man, and the one that I love. This level of vulnerability is hard to find in a man, especially one that is “expected” to have all the answers, all the time. Most of all, seeing what this battle has done to him is horrific and drives me to fight harder every day. “I was in a season of devastating loss. Due to her inability to function any longer, I had lost my wife, my best friend, my ministry partner, literally, my everything.
My whole life was turned upside down. Everything I had believed. All I had stood for. Everything I had preached and witnessed over the years in other lives wasn’t working in my own. I had witnessed countless miracles and healings. And yet, I could get no breakthrough for my own wife in my own home. Hope was hard to find when one blow after another after another kept coming. I felt totally helpless. I tried everything I knew spiritually and nothing moved except in the wrong direction. I began to question everything because everything I knew about God didnt seem to be enough and I couldn’t get any breakthrough for the one I love most in this life. I felt like I was failing her.
Week after week I had to stand before people as a man of faith full of hope when on the inside I was a man whose faith was wrecked and most days hope was a distant memory.
There was very little I could do physically other than care for her basic needs and when your days are spent in bed as hers were, those needs are few. The loneliness was paralyzing. I couldn’t find rest or peace no matter how much I knew I was supposed to, and that too made me feel like a failure.
The goodness of God that I believed so uncompromisingly was simply no where to be found. I honestly felt as though she was dying with a diseased body and I was dying with a diseased spirit called hopelessness.
Lately, life has struck me down. My ink has frozen in the sea I’ve slipped in. I feel my anxiety latching on, gripping at my typewriter, begging me not to swim for air. I’m trying to find the spark that lights my flames so I can melt this thick sheet of ice that has captured my breaking heart. But life keeps knocking me with waves: my anxiety and panic have a latch on me that is strong right now. After letting go of my relationship after my boyfriend fell ill... then caring for my grandmother with altsheimers as she forgets my name... then receiving a phone call only to learn my best friend has backstabbed me. I’m trying to navigate the ebbs and flows and see the light. I was brought to this Earth to stand up in the face of adversity and hold my torch high for the world to see, but my arms are flailing in the violent sea right now. And as I challenge my fears and anxieties so that I don’t drown, I see the constellation of warriors surrounding me - and I realize I don’t always need to hold the torch to be a warrior. I can be led by the torch of another warrior because we are all connected. There are so many warriors helping me fight on but I don’t want to post pretty pictures and have anyone else struggling behind a screen and think they are alone. This is why I share my story. Today, I gain strength from some poets who are friends and inspirations to me (who connect with me beyond a post “like” for engagement): I hear @beccaleepoetry’s baby make progress; I hear @cwpoet defend her truth about the difficulties of love and anxiety; I hear @john.c.writing write to me about our shared interest in meditation; I hear @andsoshethought and @ashlee_heals_as_she_heals share their vulnerabilities; I hear @hephaestuspoetry begin to share words again; I hear @lainey_layne break stigmas with me; I hear @susanllewelyn of @bymepoetry continue to support me during difficult times, giving me a platform to reach more humans. This is literally naming a few of the humans I’ve connected with on this platform who actually give me strength to stand, speak, and swim to air. For this ice must melt soon - seasons never last forever. Thank you for holding the torch during this dark time.