ever been heart broken? —
#it ’s hard when you live your life in black and white, when you base your perceptions of people off of what they’ve done to hurt you, when the world feels like it’s ending when somebody does you wrong because you can’t wrap your head around how people so beautiful can make such big mistakes.
but i’m learning how to live in the gray area and be okay with it. i’m learning to still have love in my heart despite the iron fists that have come down on it. i’m learning that people are people and science is teaching me that they’re complicated.
and sometimes i feel like i grew up backwards because i grew up always wanting to do the right thing and i was always raised to never make any mistakes. but now i’m happy making them because i’m happy being human and you know, sometimes i even like being me.
now when people make jokes about death, i cringe. i ask them if they’re okay. i know what that’s like. i know how badly it hurts. i know how much it stings. when i was younger, i never thought i’d make it to my mid-twenties. but now my parents are getting older and when they talk about death, it’s different. it’s scary. it’s wow i’m sitting here worried this life is going to kill me. but i’m still here standing. and i am so young. and i am so healthy. and i have so many more possibilities.
so today? today i really am doing okay. and maybe it’s just mindset in the end but the bad days aren’t as bad as they used to be. maybe some days i’m just too busy to notice i’m sad but some days i really am happy. and maybe i’m not where i want to be yet, but i’m getting there. and the journey really is more important than the destination so i’m still here trucking away.
and i’m making it. slowly. because i’m not investing myself in the black or the white anymore; i’m taking in a little bit of everything. i’m not putting my life on the line for one person or one thing. i’m in a different city every weekend and still studying during the week. i’m merging my friend groups, doing different things, changing my direction over and over again until i figure out who i am and where i want to be. changing my mind and getting behind other people my age —