Last night we lost two of 'the 4 girls' as we've affectionately been labeled by everyone from venue security to Ed's crew. 12 shows we spent together. Laughing, crying, singing and making fools of ourselves. We camped out together, ran to barriers together and met Ed together. All 4 of us having met through being fans of him, and are now friends for life. Genuinely could not have asked for a better group of girls to experience this wild journey with. And thank you to @teddysphotos for finally playing 'Barcelona' for us - it made our last show together so very special. As 2 of us continue on to the NZ leg, we know it just won't be the same without our little tour family 💙💙
Forgot to take a picture of snack. So here is an old photo of the same exact snack I had tonight at therapy. I gained 1.4 pounds. Ed was not happy. But, I know I have to gain to recover. I got upset though because my therapist brought up running and she said I may never be able to run again because it may cause me to relapse. But, she said I have to ask the ed specialist that at my next appointment which is April 3rd.
PTW~ This honestly kind of makes me have urges to just give up. Just end it all. My ed has been louder than it has ever been. It wants me to just stop and get back to my old behaviors. I know I have to fight harder. Be smarter. And conquer this.
END OF PTW~
Also, I have to let you all know of something. In the last week, I have taken control of my meals. My therapist does not know. But, my mom agreed as long as I do not lose. I gained this week, so she said I can continue doing it. It has been hard to increase on my own. But it’s what I got to do to recover.
I don't know who to even turn to anymore
; - ;
I'm very distant from my family cuz of stuff in past, I struggle a lot with telling my problems to them.. So I don't at all. Until yesterday where I wrote my dad a massive email explaining everything. And of course, he was being a fucking dickhead in response to it. He says he loves me and cares for me, and yet he insults me and said NOTHING supportive whatsoever (other than "thank you for at least taking the time to write this" ._.). I might give examples idk. But he might as well have said to me: "go fuck yourself, you don't belong in our family". Anyway I was dealing with shit by myself for ages, but eventually I involved school, school counselling etc etc. And now they all won't ever fuck off, I hate it. Sure, I want support, but not all the time, constantly checking up on me. Makes me feel crazy. The reason why I sent the email in the first place was just to get permission to do CAMHS and make him realise I'm struggling by explaining how I feel (I could never do it face to face). But that all back fired and ended up making everything so much worse and complicated. I wish he was a supporting parent, but he is your stereotypical parent that reacts bad to mental health shit, he thinks its bullshit and attention seeking. He is very judgemental as well, and is certainly not open minded to anything, always thinks he's right, doesn't listen to me
Also idc if no one reads this I just need to vent somewhere ya know . none of this probably makes sense but oh well