Well, this just took Aunt Kendall out of the running to be my godmother. She knows very well that we are a Puma family, not adidas. She will be receiving a strongly emojified email about this. I would say that Jordyn is the front runner at this point, but it’s a little embarrassing that my own godmother is claimed as a dependent on my mom’s tax returns (but then again, so is daddy dearest). Am I the only one with their shit together in this family?
Spotted: Auntie Kourt decked out in an all nude set with a bunch of holes. It was an outfit inspired by the condom my dad poked holes in to conceive me so he could be hitched to the Kardashian meal wagon for 18 years. Just because you have a kid in the Kardashian fam doesn’t mean you automatically get you signed to G.O.O.D. music or membership to the Illuminati, Dad. #YesIKnowImAnAnchorBaby#WrapYourShit#CondomAccident
🚨🚨🚨🚨BABY’S FIRST PUBLIC STATEMENT🚨🚨🚨🚨 I am overjoyed (although not at all surprised) to learn that my first baby photo is the most liked Instagram of all time. It’s humbling to be a role model for North even though I’m not a week old yet. Surely this will incentivize her to step up her Instagram game. However, it seems like you bitches are making less of a big deal about finding out my name and more of a big deal about finding out my father’s REAL name. Are you plebeians really that thickshit in your skulls? NO rapper ever goes by his real name (oh wait except uncle Kanye lmao). And I don’t want attention brought to the fact that my father is not even a top tier rapper. The only people who are travis Scott fans are suburban kids who think they’re hot shit because they vape and know all the words to “goosebumps” (which is just mumbling, BTW. I’m a baby and even I can mushmouth my way through it).
Is this a birth announcement or is he hyping up a concert that Becky’s only go to so they can post snap stories of themselves lip syncing “goosebumps” for clout because that’s the only Travis Scott song they know while drunk off double vodka Red Bull’s? 👏🏽This 👏🏽is 👏🏽why👏🏽 a GED 👏🏽should👏🏽 be 👏🏽a 👏🏽prerequisite👏🏽before 👏🏽having👏🏽 a 👏🏽baby. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 My first pic on Instagram is the most liked Instagram pic of all time, yet my dad can’t even formulate a grammatically correct tweet.
88% of my mom’s career is taking selfies yet daddy dearest can’t even get his shit together to look directly at the camera and serve up #looks . Should I save myself the embarrassment and change my last name from Webster to Jenner now? Or do I wait until he says he’s going out for sizzurp and In N Out and never returns?